Don't call me Shirley

And I'm back...only 1/2 an hour since my last post.

I have to agree w/ Johnny Awesome...the more weight Lohan loses, the bigger her boobs get. My head is spinning...how exactly does that work? The only way I have a chance at being a solid "C" is if I GAIN weight.

In other Lohan news...she's been voted one of the naughtiest people of 2004 along w/ Osama Bin Laden (poll courtesy of heavy.com). I guess flying planes into the World Trade Center and hanging out w/ Paris Hilton really represent evil reincarnated in different forms.

And speaking of Paris...if you're in the market for a coffee table book (for yourself or a loved one), you should check out Confessions of an Heiress. It trumps anything else on my coffee table- guests will push Time and Entertainment Weekly out of the way, shove my history of cinema book to the floor, all to get to this pepto colored abortion. And once you pick it up, you can't put it down. I dare anyone to try.

While on the topic of useless blondes, I dare say that Sienna really likes her ciggies. As in Sienna Miller. As in the Jude Law's girlfriend. Oh, now you know who I'm talking about. More surprising than the not so surprising fact that she wouldn't stop smoking is that she was in New Orleans to accept a Hollywood Life Breakthrough of the Year award for her performance in "Alfie". Me thinks we're starting to use the term "breakthrough" a little too losely. I can only imagine her response when asked to extinguish her cigarette..."B*tch, do you know who I'm dating?" (It's the "Do you know who my father is" of the 21st century).

And I get to leave work early. I'm thrilled.
R.

You're so f*cking....right

So last night I saw "In Good Company" at the Arclight as part of the Variety Screening Series....which means not only did I get a free copy of Variety to skim through before the movie (better than making small talk and checking the time over and over) but also there was a Q & A session afterwards w/ Paul Weitz and Topher Grace. Now Paul I thought was awesome....and I'm not even going to tell you why. But Topher...oh Topher you tall drink of water....I realized that while some people may look at guys w/ "muscles" or "definition" and think "he's pretty hot" I instead look at anyone over 6' tall and under 160 lbs and say "yummy." Why is that? Why do I like the tall and skinnies? I mean, if I dated anyone like that we would look like Jack Sprat and his wife...you know, right? Jack Sprat could eat no fat, his wife you eat no lean. I'm sure my friends are shaking their heads at me as they read this (they better, I'm only fishing for someone to say "Reagan, you're being ridiculous") and also b/c I've said this before. I think a few times. New material is not my forte. I digress...so after the Q & A I decide that I'm going to walk up to Topher and take a picture of him w/ my camera phone to send to Emily. Honestly, as much as I obsess over anyone who is on tv or in the movies, I feel really uncomfortable going up to them. I mean, Topher's my age, he's just an actor, why should I feel inferior to him? The whole celebrity thing really fascinates me, b/c while I'm so into it (a result of having no life of my own) I also find it completey ridiculous. They're just people, not Greek gods. Okay, back to what I was saying. So I say to Topher "I'm going to be a dork and take a picture of you w/ my cell phone to send to my friend in Austin" to which he replied "Only if you take it w/ me". I didn't really want it w/ him...I know what I look like. But what was I supposed to say- "No." Actually, that would have been funny. "No, Topher, I will not. " Yeah...so....he was a bit stand-offish, but I guess that's understandable. Even though seriuosly, we would so be friends if we met under different circumstances (i.e. me not asking to take a picture of him w/ my cell phone). And there you go. I just wrote way too much about Topher Grace.

Oh, but the movie. I thought it had a lot of heart and it made me smile...other than the fact that Scarlett Johansson wore too much make-up and at times it seemed like her and Dennis Quaid (playing her father) might make out, I really liked it. The soundtrack was great, a lot of "Iron and Wine" and other good stuff.

In other news, I will be getting my copies of "Napoleon Dynamite" and "Garden State" in 2-3 weeks, c/o Amazon. V. excited.

And that's all I have to say.
R.

How to survive a broken heart

"And the things you said
Do they still make sense
Could you mean them now
Did you even mean them then
I could torture myself insane and tense
But I don't have the strength"

So Emily just sent me the most awesome email ever (in the form of a holiday present)....a link to a new song from Ben Lee, "Catch My Disease". I've heard it before, as I did quasi-stalk him earlier this year when he was recording his album in LA (by stalk, I mean attending 3 shows in one month, but that's really just being a fan, right?) Anyway, you should check it out. He uses a child's xylophone in the song, what's better than that? (if you said using a recorder, you're right). On another Ben Lee note, he signed w/ an Austin music label, New West Records, making Emily one happy lady (especially b/c he's single now since that skank Claire Danes left him for Billy whats-his-face).

Chrismukkah is all the rage this holiday season. Frankly I find it annoying (I want to punch Seth in the face everytime he mentions the words "A Chrismukkah miracle"). But I have to say, I did like the holiday episode of "The O.C." last night...probably least I've b*tched while watching it thus far this season. It didn't really have anything to do w/ the faux holiday, but with the ridiculous soap operaesque drama that occurred. A secret love child? It doesn't get any better than that. But I'm sure it will try (see: Marissa becomes a lesbian)

It's a Wonderful Life...with bunnies.

Time to clean my desk. Fun.
R.

She's sweet, but she's f*cked up- it goes there.

Last night I finally watched "Dodgeball" after days of recounting funny quotes in my head (and here). Have to say, not 1/2 as hilarious the second time around, but it still provided such gems as "It's like watching a bunch of retards try to f*ck a door knob" and "Too bad Hallmark doesn't make a 'Sorry your dodgeball coach got killed by two tons of irony' card." Classic.

I've said this before, but this time I'm completely serious: I have absolutely nothing to do. So I turn to the blog, my friend, always there to listen, always willing to laugh at my bad jokes. Sure, it's comparable to sending out an email w/ no particular recipient...or praying...but I don't mind. Because I like the sound of my own voice.

Today, I'm going to just post/comment on anything I find that's even slightly interesting (instead, you should check out goldenfiddle...or if you're already here, might as well keep reading).

KD & Jake G getting married? I will riot in the streets if this happens. I will protest outside the chapel/producers mansion w/ signs declaring "Jake- don't do it- she's not cute" or "She doesn't love you like I do". Then what will happen (most likely) is he will see the signs, realize his mistake, and run into my open arms. Yep, just like that.

I'm more of a Nike fan myself... But I understand those moments when you just feel like urinating on athletic shoes. We've all been there.

Who would want to see this? Really? Ryan Cabrera can crawl back under the untalented/unattractive rock from which he came. And he can put his shirt back on- nobody wants to see that sh*t.

The reason why I'm still single. It has to be that damn fake engagement ring I fancy wearing out on the weekends. I guess from now on if I want to wear it, I'll have to combine it w/ my "Single and loving it" t-shirt.

Luke Wilson lowers his standards. Paris...really? Probably not, but just the idea makes my stomach turn and I lose all faith in the idea that not every male celebrity/actor/musician/douche bag wants to f*ck Paris Hilton. I guess people just love a sure thing....it just goes to prove my theory: guys love sluts.

Chapter 5: The day I was a lesbian. (from Ashlee Simpson's autobiography). Too bad papa Joe had to be the rain on her "edgy" parade....proving another one of my crazy theories: baptists hate homosexuals.

And I'm spent.
R.

Whose leg do I have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

The student has now become the teacher. It's like a right of passage for most up and coming skanks, er actresses, to be photographed w/ a Hilton, preferably Paris (Nicky pretty much dropped off the face of the earth after her quickie marriage/divorce....I think it's time for someone to go back to blonde and start dating a member of LFO). But where does that leave Paris? Who can she take her picture w/ to make people say "Hmmmmm"? I wonder if going shopping w/ Pam Anderson (fka Pam Anderson Lee fka Pam Anderson) is her everest?

Today we're having a holiday party at work, which means free lunch and a secret santa exchange. Which means one lucky co-worker will soon be the proud owner of a Target gift certificate. Oh, I can almost picture the look on her face when she opens it! I wonder what I'll be getting...

Just when you thought reality tv couldn't get any worse...Fox comes up w/ "Who's your Daddy?". I knew they could do it, I knew there was more water in the well that is reality tv. But this is the best part:
"But wait, there's a twist... Before meeting her dad, the young woman will be presented with eight men, all claiming to be her father, and she must determine which one really is. In order to prevent her real dad from revealing himself from the start, there is $100,000 at stake for his daughter."
B/c two of the essentials to making truly good, quality reality tv are as follows: there must be some form of elimination and there must be money at stake. If not, then it would just make for bad television.

And back to "work" (the quotes indicate that I actually have nothing to do, but am left w/ nothing to say)
R.

You sit on a throne of lies!

This one goes out to Johnny Awesome (I hope it was worth the wait...though I have a feeling it wasn't). According to a certain character on a certain Canadian tv show, the correct way to calculate if someone is old enough for you to date them, you can use the following formula: 1/2 your age + 7.
Example: Micheal Douglas is 60. So the youngest person he could date would be 37. So to all those who thought C. Zeta Jones was too young for him, you might want to rethink that, b/c according to the formula, she meets the requirements. See, it's not icky. And the older you get, the bigger the age range. A person of 100 could date someone as young as 57! Sorry Anna Nicole, it's still icky in your case. You can try it w/ other celebrities as well....hours of fun for the whole family!

This is what happens when there's nothing else on tv. If you've ever thought to yourself, is there a natural way for me to have more cleavage? Then this is for you. There's even a fun video! I wonder who buys these things? Probably the same people who would buy this. Or maybe not, at home electrolysis isn't for everyone.

Okay, I need coffee.
R.

It's funny because it's true

Ever since I lost my radio (lost as in some low life a-hole stole it from my already sh*tty a** car) I've found myself talking to other drivers more often. Maybe it's not more often, maybe now I can just hear what I'm actually saying, the ridiculous statements that come out of my mouth. Here are a few to ruminate on:
1) "Watch where you're going, you stupid whore." Laughed to self after realizing it was but a little old lady, the kind that can barely see over the steering wheel. I try not to be ageist, but old people shouldn't be allowed to drive- period.
2) "Get over or get out." Referring to some car that drove beside me for quite the while today, causing me to speed up and slow down in intervals until it finally cut me off. Frankly, the phrase isn't one of my best- it doesn't even involve cursing.
3) "Oh my god, let me over you a-hole." I can't remember who I was on the phone w/ when I shouted this lovely ditty, but needless to say they did let me over- as soon as I cut them off. It's kill or be killed, people.

So Marissa's going to be a les (according to thighs wide shut). I didn't know it was possible to jump the shark in your second season. But I shouldn't say anything (i.e. keep complaining), b/c you know I'm still going to watch it. I don't want to feel left out.

My name was the 202nd most popular name in 2003. Take that, Eunice.

Okay, again, back to work. Why must I be interrupted w/ such trivial things? (answering the phone, faxing, doing my job).
R.

Donde esta la biblioteca, Pedro?

Netflix should be delivering "Dodgeball" tomorrow. Some people didn't find it funny, but I'm not one of them.

On another note....I have to say this, but just because Scott Peterson's been sentenced to the death penalty it doesn't mean Jay Leno should use it as fodder for his monologue. What's funny about that? I'm not saying I feel sorry for him (Scott, not Jay), but we're talking about killing a man, and for whatever reason and whether or not he deserves it, and whether or not you're for or against the death penalty, you shouldn't use it as a warm up for your nighttime talk show. I just find the jokes very unappealing. But I guess Jay Leno needs all the help he can get, seeing as how he's now funny at all. I watched the show last night for the first time since I don't know when and he had none other than the newly ubiquitous L. Lohan as his guest. It was possibly one of the most uncomfortable interviews I've ever had to watch, simply b/c all of Jay's "jokes" fell flat on Lindsay and she responded to his questions like a angsty teen making small talk w/ her annoying parents. We get it, you don't like the "rumors"....but let me give you some advice- don't bite the hand that feeds you.

Too little, too late. According to CNN, Blockbuster will stop charging late fees as of Jan 1st. Does that mean I can return that copy of "Anything Else" that I've had for over a year (and never even watched) and not risk any repercussions? Or what about that copy of "Breathless" from 4 years ago I rented for a college class and am now wanted for in Texas? You know what, it doesn't matter. I don't need you anymore Blockbuster. I've moved on to Netflix. So please stop calling me.

I can't effing wait for "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory." You can check out the trailer here.

I really must try this. As a person constantly plagued by anxiety over everything from what I want to eat for lunch to what I want to do with the rest of my life, maybe a hypnotherapist is the answer. F*ck therapy. I mean, I could quit anxiety addiction in one session! Count me in. (In reality, this will never happen, b/c I am poor and never do what I say I'm going to do).

Cat fight 2004: Elton John vs. George Micheal. Bam! B*tch went down. Bam! George Micheal, super b*tch. And that's all I have to say.

What is this...I have work to do? I'm confused. I'm supposed to be bored.
R.

Thanks, thanks a lot for not picking me

It's that week before the holidays where the phone stops ringing and I'm left to sit at my desk wondering how the hell I'm supposed to entertain myself for the next 4 hours. This is all I have left.

Whoa! What happened to the little Lawrence brother? (via pink is the new blog). Okay, that was too easy and not even funny. But seriously, who told him, "yeah, your mustache looks awesome and not the least bit creepy"? Whoever it was should be shot.

Ashlee Simpson's easy transformation...into none other than Nicky Sixx. Without reading the captions, you try telling me who's who. Next up- turning Ashley Olsen into Tommy Lee. Can't wait.

I didn't see Lohan's cameo on Saturday Night Live. I guess I will just have to read about it everywhere. That Lindsay- she's so popular!

I want to be a Harajuku girl. And this has nothing to do w/ Gwen Stefani. I've wanted to be one for a long time, but I'm just now feeling comfortable enough to tell other people. I'm not afraid anymore!

Twice today I've used the term "yeppers" (an extension of "yep" if you didn't pick up on that). Turns out I'm not alone...according to Emily, Austin used the term today as well. Where the hell are we getting such phrases that would cause Mrs. R to question "what kind of dillhole says yeppers?" Apparantly, I'm that dillhole. But what kind of dillhole says dillhole? Touche (I don't know how to do accents over my letters, I'm computer illiterate, we've been over this).

Word on the street (and by street I mean office hallway) is that a client is on her way to bring us gifts. I'm hoping for gift cards, but it will most likely be a gift basket filled w/ treats determined to make me fat. As Ashley said to me earlier, "never look a gift horse in the mouth." Of course, but can I still talk about that horse behind his back?
R.

Pardon me while I opine all over this post

So my friend went to the OC Christmas party this weekend (wonder why they didn't call it the "Christmakkuh" party, seeing as how they think they're oh so clever for coining that phrase) and I just accosted her online to tell me about the cast (who's nice, who's a b*tch...stories from the front lines). I went back and forth b/w referring to them as their character name and their real life name, b/c the line has been blurred b/w tv and reality (I still call Shannon Doherty "Brenda"). Here is the not-so-fascinating information I uncovered:
1) Ryan/Benjamin is a fun guy. My friend has now officially converted from a "Seth fan" to a "Ryan fan". I'm not sure how official it actually is, but I'm sure there will be a cermony at a later date.
2) Summer/Rachel is tiny. A tiny actress, why I never.....
3) Seth/Adam is not so great. I saw him a few weeks ago at Daddy's (w/ Summer, of course...they're in luv)- I had to position myself across the room w/ my back to him to avoid staring, but it didn't prevent me from texting friends w/ "I'm at a bar w/ Adam Brody!" I am now shaking my head at myself in retelling this story.
4) Olivia Wilde/that girl w/ the poofy hair is sweet and pretty and is also married to some Italian prince. More importantly...why does she wear her hair like that?
5) Caleb (no clue as to real life name) actually has a british accent. Now who hasn't been waiting for some juicy Caleb gossip. Anyone...anyone?
6) Marisa/Mischa is a stuck-up snob and her boyfriend is nasty. Never saw that one coming
I could never be a gossip columnist, b/c just hearing that someone is a b*tch is good enough for me, I don't need too many details. Just take my word when my friend says Summer is "tiny"...you can spread that gossip w/o fear of being libel.

Also, the golden globe noms came out today and all I can say is "Boring". I know it's usually the case, but it's the same g-damn films in every category. I just have this feeling I won't care that much for "The Aviator". Same for "Closer". I making judgements w/o any reasonable aforethought, but who cares? Nobody is basing their opinions on what I have to say.

Speaking of opinions, I saw "The Life Aquatic" this weekend and sadly, I wasn't that impressed. Sure, it reeked of Wes Anderson and that's a scent I'm quite fond of, but as one critic pointed out (and I completely agree w/) it's "The Royal Tenenbaums" underwater. Except that Steve Zissou is no Royal Tenenbaum. To deliver those flat, ironic lines Wes loves so much, you need more depth to the characters, and I felt they were really lacking in that area. I also felt that the story followed the same trajectory as its predecessor...and it doesn't help that Mark Motherbaugh's score is so recognizable that if I closed my eyes, I couldn't tell which of Anderson's movies I was watching. But in the end, even if it didn't hold up to certain hopes and expectations, I still enjoyed it (and prob will love it more a second time when I'm not being so judgemental) and hope to someday be lucky enough to work w/ Mr. A in any capacity (first, I have to learn how to make coffee).

I don't think anyone watches this, but I've become slightly addicted to "Huff".

"Desperate Housewives" is so effing good. I love it more than I will prob love my first born child.

Later-
Reags

My only excuse for what's below is boredom

She's not Baby Spice anymore! I didn't even have to come up w/ (what I consider...as if that needed to be said) a humourous headline....CNN had that covered....though I did add the exclamation mark for emphasis. And once again, I've contributed something to pop culture commentary. Watch your back Defamer....exclamation point.

But I'm not finished w/ Baby Spice...er Dawn from "The Office"...er Emma Bunton. The article claims that "[she] has established a solo career" going top 5 on Billboard's Hot Dance Music Club Play chart. Hot. Dance. Music. Club. Play. Chart. Established? I think so.

And yes, I did see Eddie Izzard last night. Bre will most definitely kick my a** for this, but I found him to be more bemusing than amusing. Maybe it was the fact that it lasted over 2 hours and I only have the attention span for one. Maybe I was tired, b/c at 25 I have the energy of an 80 yr old woman w/ debilitating arthritis. Or maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

Also, I think I hate "The O.C." But I can't stop watching.

Did I really just spend 2 paragraphs on Baby Spice?
R.

My baby's tied to a chair

You know how sometimes when you're singing for a crowd of Swedes and they get all tipsy off champagne and keep interrupting your flow? Oh, you don't. Well J. Lo does. I wish this story involved heckling. Like senior citizen "Death of a Saleman" dinner theater heckling. But this is good too.

Ever feel like the references on "The O.C." just go over your head? Were you embarrassed when everyone laughed at Kirstin's "cheetoh dust" comment while you were left thinking "cheetoh what?" Well, then this is for you. Also, I might rethink watching "Gilmore Girls", you don't have a fighting chance of picking up what those ladies are putting down.

I want to have Brendan Benson's babies (via goldenfiddle- the story, not the babies comment... "that's me just purely"). But in the meantime, I can just eagerly await his new album, "The Alternative to Love" with the anticipation of a drug addict awaiting a crack delivery. I should completely give up on the analogies.

I'm out.
R.

But you know the thing about romance is people only get together right at the very end

For what seems like the one millionth time, I must return something I wish to keep for I am in desperate need of money. The item: an adorable pair of white heels lined w/ pink. Winter white, as Alisa called them. And I went w/ that, for I do not know the rules of "No white after labor day." Regardless, they are dead to me now. Along w/ their return will also go a few items randomly purchased at Target (damn you for making me buy things I really don't need...and sometimes don't want). I mourn the loss of each and every item.

When did I become the last of the single girls? When, as I believe someone once said on "Sex and the City" but I cannot remember which character, did everyone start pairing up? I'm left alone to wait for that one person who can live up to my high standards. Not high in the sense that I expect flowers every day (flowers die....what's the point?) or even want someone to open my car door (I'm fine w/ the reach over and unlock) but just someone who meets certain criterium. Being alone is the price I will pay. Can I still complain even when I turn suitors away? Yes, yes I can. B/c even then I can say "I never meet anyone I like" thus altering the usual "I never meet anyone." Honestly, anyone reading this must assume this is all I think about. Not true, but it is what I like to quasi-rant about. It weighs on my mind in dead silence.

I have this very romanticized ideal of love and everything that goes w/ it (even dating...I'm not one to waste my time- but I'm also not looking to get married, so where does that leave me?). I think I'm really into longing, me longing for someone else, someone else longing for me. Like Romeo & Juliet, w/o the suicide thing. I cling to images from tv and movies, they create these ideas that things really can be that great....always. And now I can't settle for anything regular. I want extraordinary. It can't all be fiction, can it?

According to Emily, my friend JMP is going through that phase after college where you freak out about what's next...and he thinks he's the only one going through this. B/c when you do, you feel so f*cking alone. Our minds are not yet equipped to handle such confusion. I mean, it's the rest of your life, right? That's what you think- what do I want to do with the rest of my life? Scary sh*t. I wish I could say I was over that phase.

I need my holiday break starting....now. Yes, this exact moment.
R.

All I needed was the love you gave me

The title has nothing to do w/ anything, except it's a song I have stuck in my head at this very moment. If you were curious.

Why do I begin almost half my sentences w/ the word "so" as if I'm picking up in the middle of a story?

So I never watched the Craig Kilborn show really....but when they announced the new Late Late Show host (for some odd reason they sent me an email about it...as if it was my duty to spread the word) and it WASN'T Micheal Ian Black, that's when I took notice and began to care. The guy taking Craig Kilborn's place is Craig....Ferguson- some guy from "The Drew Carey Show". Yes, b/c that show represented the highest echelon of all that is funny. I can't believe they passed on MIB for this guy (no offense Craig F, don't really know you personally, it's just that your not Micheal...and probably not funny).

Colin Farrell to guest star on "Scrubs". Sometimes "movie stars" don't really transfer well to tv....did anyone see Brad Pitt on "Friends"? Very unfunny, but of course, he's never really been known for his comedic timing....unless you count his performance in "The Devil's Own"- funny as hell. But I digress. Colin Farrell is hot, even if he is a man whore. So....I guess what I'm saying is, yes, I will watch that episode.

Nick Nolte can't catch a break. I wonder how much he hates this mug shot?

I'm going to see Eddie Izzard on Thursday. I'm so effing excited.

I don't have the patience to look for other things to post. I'm a bad blogger (for evidence, see Nick Nolte story above).
R.

Zip Zap Rap

Yesterday we started getting christmas presents at work (usually includes anything and everything guaranteed to make me fat as hell) and one of our clients brought each of us a picnic basket overflowing w/ goodies, including everything you would need for a picnic (obvs): blanket, silverware, plates, wine glasses (for that romantic excursion), napkins, etc. So I'm talking to this kid who's eyeing the basket and telling him how I now have everything a person would ever need for a picnic (like many of the lame conversations I have w/ children, I spoke to him like he was mentally challenged), to which he replies: "Except a man." What?? How the f*ck did he know? Listen Timmy (*not actual name) ...why don't you get back to me in 10 years and tell me how that lisp is working out for you? Then we'll see who needs a man. Wait, what? That didn't really make any sense.

Okay, I'm about to state the obvious....but I really don't think Lindsay Lohan's album is going to be very good. Call me crazy. Also, the cover reminds me of this really bad 80's album by this guy named Devestatin' Dave...let's see if I can find it so we can compare. Oh, here it is. Hilarious!

Jude Law top kisser of 2004. I'm going to take a moment to close my eyes and imagine me kissing Jude. Yeah, that was nice. And the biggest f*cker? Forever and always- Jared Leto. (any excuse to post that picture...makes me laugh).
R.

Monday you can fall apart

Time for my usual weekend recap. Hooray.

Friday night- played poker at Katie O's. While I only won $10 (hey, at least it paid for the alcohol I brought) the best part of the night is a moment that will go down in history. I keep talking about it, I know I need to get a life so I can have something else to talk about other than a card game, but it was truly a glorious moment. So during one round, the flop is Ace of hearts, Queen of hearts, and Jack of hearts. Everyone made their "ooh's and aah's" about the potential for a royal flush, unaware that in my hand I held a King of hearts. I thought, "No way will I get a royal flush, that just doesn't happen"....but then it did. On th turn came that wondeful/amazing/unbelievable 10 of hearts. My heart started beating so effing fast and I could feel my hangs beginning to shake...I mean, sure, we were playing for quarters, but I didn't want to give away that I had that King. So I kept it as cool as possible, playing as if I didn't have anything, keeping the other players in the game, betting right up until the end. Then I threw down my King and the table went wild (okay, not wild, but people were shocked....it's a royal flush- what are the odds!) And I've been talking about it ever since. So there you go. I'm sure you're impressed as all hell, thanking your lucky stars you know me (or think you do) and read this little blog so that you can say "I know someone who got a royal flush". Yes, it's def a story worthy of repeating, if you really have absolutely nothing else to say.

Saturday- went to my car (I was going to run some errands and attempt to be productive) and discovered that someone had stolen my stereo. Bastards. Apparantly my luck from the night before had run out. So I of course react as anyone else would- I start screaming about it, which turns into crying, which turns into a session of "Why does everything bad happen to me?"...I call my dad so he can share in my misery, I whine and b*tch and yell about how much I hate my car and how the one decent thing about it was the stereo and now they've taken that from me. Oh, I was quite the dramatic little f*cker until my dad interrupted me to tell me my Aunt Helen had died. Wow. That really put things in perspective. I shut up about the stereo after that.

That night went to a Christmas party, def got a little flavored after having several cocktails, then went to Daddy's to meet Tim for his bday....where I went past flavored into full on sh*t faced. I'm going to yadda yadda through what happened after that (use your imagination....but don't get too wild w/ it...I'm don't want to ruin my angelic image) but the next day I had the hangover to end all hangovers. I'm talking a headache that just wouldn't quit and what seemed like hours hugging the toilet, taking breaks in b/w to roll around on my bed in pain. I'd have to say, not one of my better days. I need to stop acting like I'm in f*cking college- I totally bailed on something I was supposed to do for work on Sunday and didn't even call anyone w/ an excuse. Seriously, I need to grow the f*ck up.

So that was my weekend. It was kind of rollercoaster like in terms of being good/bad.
And today I'm still sluggish from my Sat night antics. But to make things better, I won tickets to see "In Good Company", the new film by Paul Weitz, and I believe cast memebers Topher Grace and Scarlett Johannson will be in attendance. Yes, I loves me some Topher. And Scarlett's not to bad herself. Even if she is a star f*cker (pure speculation).
R.

You didn't hear it from me

I can't help myself, I love hearing behind the scenes stories on celebrities...and I'm not talking about some douche on E! (not naming any names, cough Ted Casablanca cough) telling the "inside scoop". I'm talking about this (via gawker). The real deal...someone probably a lot like myself describing her encounter w/ the Newlyweds (Nick and Jessica for those of you living in a cave, and in that case, how are you using the internet?). Maybe they should keep doing their reality show, b/c god forbid they rely on their music careers alone for fame (or hold out for that special episode of "Where are they now?"), and just rename it "The Divorcees". Nice.

Not to copy lindsayism and her new "Nearsighted Item"....but I wanted to tell my own celeb story, but this one involving someone much less famous than Mr. Leto. I would submit it to her, but I fear rejection. So here's the story:

I was at the SXSW film festival in 1999, a wee 19 yr old girl completely enthralled w/ the idea of meeting "celebrities" during this glorious week in March (and seeing some indie films too). So after a screening of "Desert Blue" (which I loved at the time and realized later actually sucked pretty hard) I went outside to smoke and who should be there but Ethan Suplee (who? the big guy who couldn't see the sailboat in "Mallrats", the big guy who was the racist in "American History X", the big guy who's Johnny Depp's friend in "Blow" etc.) So I stand there awkwardly for a moment, b/c it's a small balcony so I'm practically in his conversation, and I casually say something like "I liked the movie" or "You were good in the movie" or something really really lame like that. I don't remember what happened next, but he noticed on my nametag (I had it to get into screenings, not b/c I normally wear one...fyi) that I was from Austin. So then he says, "So in Texas, can't you just walk into a store and buy a gun?" I laugh a little and reply w/ "I don't know, I've never tried." Totally assuming he is joking, b/c why would he be serious. So now I'm going to list the rest of the convo for easier reading:

Ethan: "No, I think you don't have to have a permit, you just walk in and can buy a gun."
Reagan: "Hmmm...I'm not sure" (v. uncomfortable at this point)
Ethan: "If I gave you money, would you go w/ me to buy a gun? I would drive you."
Reagan: (Akward pause) Okay.
I have to interject and let you know that this is only an outline of the conversation b/c I can't remember it verbatim. I'm sure you already assumed that. I also have to say that the only reason I say "Okay" is because I really couldn't think of another answer. Back to the story.
Ethan: "Alright. Are you going to see "Spent" tonight?"
Reagan: "Yes"
Ethan: "Okay, let's meet after the movie and we can go buy a gun."

Of course, I go to the movie that night w/ some friend I'm no longer friend's w/ and whose name I can't remember (I just know she was obsessed w/ the red head on "X Files"), we watch the movie (which was possibly one of the worst things I have ever seen...you don't know bad like this), and afterwards I see Mr. Suplee across the room w/ some other cast members from "Desert Blue" (but neither one of the ones I cared to see...Christina Ricci...Casey Affleck). So what do I do at this point? I grab what's her face by the arm and drag her to the nearest exit. Yes, that' s right, I ran like a scared little b*tch. B/c some guy who one recurred on "Boy Meets World" asked me to buy him a gun. And to this day I have no idea why. The end.

That was the longest retelling of a story in the history of stories. Can anyone count how many times I said "So then"? I apologize to anyone who stuck it out until the end.
R.

Stupid spoiled whore

Can I just say how much I really don't like the new U2 song? I mean, it would be one thing if it was just on the radio, b/c I don't listen to the radio that often. But I do watch a lot of TV and every other commercial is "Uno...deuce...treis...quatorez" (spelling not accurate) I've said this so many times, I'm sure Ashley (and anyone else who will listen) is sick of hearing it, but why...for the love of god why!!!...does he say "One...two...three....fourteen"??? As Randy pointed out, we don't know the next sequence of numbers, so we really don't know where Bono is going w/ this. Regardless, I don't like it.

"Unless you've been living in a cave on Mars with your fingers stuck in your ears, you've heard that Julia Roberts welcomed twin bundles of joy over the weekend." This is what happens when I stop surfing the internet...I've become the person in the cave. So Jules popped out two little bundles of joy... Phinnaeus and Hazel. Phinnaeus??? As if the kid wasn't going to have enough issues listening to his mother's god awful annoying scratch your ears off laugh day in and day out, he now has to listen to the constant repetition of his own god awful name. Yes, I said god awful twice, and I meant it...twice.

I read this article in Premiere about the "Ocean's Twelve" invovlving the "important" actors from the film (meaning Clooney, Pitt, and Damon) and apparantely when they get together they act like a couple of gay 8 yr old boys. Every opportunity to play grab a** is an opportunity that will not be missed. They even made up a game where Clooney helps Mattie D and the Brad P stop smoking by grabbing them by the balls everytime they want a cigarette. Sure George, you just want to help them quit smoking...we'll let you tell yourself that.

I've lost my will to search celeb gossip. Can't do it. I went to one website and I'm out. I'll just use this space to regurgitate anything I see on TV or read in a magazine or hear from someone else. Just to let you know what I'm doing here. Or I'll just talk about myself.
R.